E-MAIL: felicity_rose@hotmail.com
SUMMARY: Buffy is given the chance to change history, but should she, and will she?
DIST/ARCHIVE: Ask first
DISCLAIMER: Buffy, and co. don't belong to me, they belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This takes place right before “Suprise/Innocence.” I wasn’t totally sure on the date, so I guessed, according to when “Suprise” aired on TV. If I’m wrong, just ignore it . . . the dates in the story are only a reference point for the two time periods. Also, I only saw “Becoming” once, last May or whenever it was, and I didn’t even see the whole thing. I tried to watch it again in September but there were all sorts of problems and it didn’t happen :( If I have any details wrong, I’m sorry. It’s only a story though.
Lastly, I didn’t think they’d ever mentioned any details about Angel’s family on the show, so I made it all up. If I was wrong, once again, forgive me, and don’t sue! The quote is from (as it says) the City of Angels Sountrack. It may not make sense at first, but hopefully by the end you’ll know what it means. I just love that song and had to use it!
WEBMISSTRESS'S NOTE: Because of my begging and pleading, Felicity has kindly written an alternate ending to this story, because I found the first one too sad, both are available just choose your path when you get to it.
Buffy stirred, felt him beside her and smiled; remembered, and cried.
“Shh, it’s all right. It’ll be all right,” he murmered, cradling her in his arms. She shook her head, ands the tears kept coming. They’d been coming all night. She hadn’t known she could cry so much.
“It won’t be all right. Not ever. You are so beautiful and wonderful and I love you so and it can’t be all right. Never,” Buffy sobbed against his bare chest. She was undressed too, and that brought back all the memories. All the wonderful memories. It had been more than she’d ever imagined . . . And it was the last time. The only time.
She kissed him again, and lay with her head on his chest, his arms around her and their legs entangled for a long time. If only she could stay there forever . . . but she couldn’t. Even if she never got up, she would be pulled away, and when she did come back, it wouldn’t be to Angel’s apartment, to his bed, to his arms. It would be . . . probably to her own bed, she supposed. She couldn’t know. She couldn’t know anything.
“Do you have to go home?” Angel asked after a moment. Buffy propped herself up on his chest to look at him and shook her head. There were no tears now. For the moment.
“I called earlier and told my mom I was staying over at Willow’s to study,” Buffy said. Angel gave her a startled look and Buffy smiled slightly.
“I didn’t plan this, if that’s what that look means. I just . . . didn’t want to go home,” Buffy said. Which was true. She didn’t. She couldn’t. She couldn’t go anywhere, because wherever she went it wouldn’t help. Nothing would.
“Why not?” Angel asked. Buffy lay down again and closed her eyes, unable to answer. There was a long silence, and then he slid out of the bed. “I’ll turn off the lights so you can sleep.” She almost told him she wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway–which was true–then realized she should at least try. After all, she had another twelve hours to be awake and then she had to kill a vampire. Even if she knew she wouldn’t be able to, she should try.
The tears started again as she watched him. She started to smile, seeing his lithe body which could do such things to her . . . but only the tears came, because whatever he could do, this was the last time.
“Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” Buffy whispered, suprising herself. Shouldn’t it be Willow quoting that line?
“What?” Angel asked, turning. He switched the lights off and she could see the shadow of him coming towards her again.
“Nothing,” Buffy whispered louder, trying to block the tears that burned in her eyes. She had cried so much already, surely she was done. But when he climbed in beside her and she felt his flesh again, she knew she was only beginning.
Buffy snuggled against him, trying to rid herself of the chill that grasped her, though the blankets were very warm. He turned and took her in his arms and Buffy closed her eyes and tried to sleep. There was a clock beside his bed though, and all she could see when she closed her eyes were the numbers on it. 9:49. Two hours and eight minutes left with Angel. With HER Angel. Forever.
She did try to sleep, she really did. She’d tried to take a nap that afternoon as well, but it obviously hadn’t worked. She had to stay awake for twelve more hours, and then fight a vampire. Even though, that long ago, Darla probably wasn’t that powerful, and she would have Angel to help her.
Except Angel, as a human, probably couldn’t fight. She’d almost forgotten that. She’d wanted to forget. She could only hope that she would have a few moments after she killed Darla to say good-bye to the only Angel that would ever know her then. She was going to tell him that she was going back to America, and that she loved him. So he would know, even if he never knew her really. Even if she couldn’t have her Angel, in who’s arms she lay at the moment.
She thought about Angel while she waited for sleep to come or the clock to change. She thought about the feel of his hands on her face and body, his mouth on hers. She thought about his eyes, and the sorrow in them, and the joy she could put there. She would never see them lighting in that particular way as he laughed at her teasing, or leaned down to kiss her . . . She would never have that again. But he would have the sunlight.
She almost drowsed, lost in memories of Angel. Lost in the feel of his body, holding her. His breathing was steady, soft. Buffy thought he was asleep. Thought until she opened her eyes and it was 11:56 and she made a sound that was half sorrow and half terror. One minute left. And then she found that he was awake because his arms tightened and he bent his head to kiss her again.
Even as she kissed him for the last time, Buffy felt the tears pouring down her face, their salty taste bringing bitterness even to the taste of Angel’s mouth on hers.
The blackness tore Angel away, leaving Buffy alone. Forever.
