Absence Of Fear - Part Three

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Absence Of Fear - Part Three

By: Felicity

E-MAIL: felicity@SunnydaleHigh.zzn.com
SUMMARY: There's a new face in Sunnydale... Jewel Kaufman! Oh, and Spike gets his soul back.
DIST/ARCHIVE: Ask first
DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters except Jewel (and I don't really own her 'cause she's her own person and therefore owns herself...but the WB and Joss Whedon and all definitely don't own her! btw, they're the ones that own the other people)
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This takes place in early August and it pretty much goes with the show up through Graduation 2, but not exactly, there's one big difference I'm not gonna say cause most people haven't seen it yet, and I don't think there are any real spoilers. Anyway, besides that, the song "Losing My Light" is © Jewel Kaufman and Felicity Rose. "Absence of Fear" is by Jewel (not the one in the story, the other one) and "Sometimes" is by Britney Spears. Besides that, I love comments! I hope this isn't too long! Oh, and it's all dedicated to the real Jewel whom I love a ton, and I definitely would never have gotten this finished if it wasn't for her (not to mention not even writing it...)

Jewel tried not to fidget with the matches in her hand. They had to light candles, and Willow was going to say part of the spell, and then it was in Jewel’s hand. The red-head thought the spell would work better if said in the native language.

"So, big news," Xander said. "I missed a lot."

"Well, everyone misses stuff sometimes," Oz said, shrugging.

"Yeah, just me way more than everyone else," the other young man said with a lopsided grin. "Remember that whole Hellmouth thing? The second time I mean…I wasn’t even getting donuts."

"Well I wasn’t hu–wasn’t really there either," Oz said, cutting off what he’d been about to say with a glance at Jewel. The singer frowned. There were definitely things they weren’t telling her. And she had the oddest feeling he’d been about to say human.

"Wh–" she began, and suddenly the library doors slammed open and Buffy and Angel entered, dragging a slender, handsome man with bleached-blond hair and a leather duster between them. Not dragging as in the sense of him being unconscious, but dragging as in the sense of he didn’t seem to want to come in.

"Go for it Will," Buffy said, struggling to keep hold of the vampire. He shook her off.

"I promise to be good," he said in a beautiful English accent. Angel gave the Slayer a look and making a face, she let go. "So, now that you’ve got me, what’s the plan? Is this some kind of revenge gig? Oh look, it’s the red-head." Willow glanced up nervously and gestured Jewel to light the candles. She blinked and did so hurriedly. When she glanced up he was looking straight at her. Their eyes met and Jewel felt a shiver go through her. It was almost as if…as if she recognized him. She realized she was staring when Xander hissed at her. Hurriedly she turned away and Willow started reciting. Jewel began to speak in Latin, reading the first part. In a minute she would take over for Willow.

"Oh bloody hell," he muttered, but she tried to ignore him. "What is this anyway? You know Dru’ll be here in a minute. You’re trying to give me my soul back? Sweet, really, but no thanks. I’m just dandy the way I am, really." Out of the corner of her eyes Jewel could see him moving towards them, but Angel and Buffy gave him threatening looks and he stopped. Willow elbowed Jewel and she took a deep breath and began reading.

"Nici mort nice all flinctei. Te invoc, spirit al trecerii. Reda trupului ce separa omul de animal. Cu ajutorul acestui magic glob de cristal," Jewel recited. Her voice began to gain power as she continued. "Te implor Doamne, nu ignora accasta rugaminte! Lasa orbita sa fie vasul care-I va transporta sufletul la el! Este scris, aceasta putere este dreptul poporuil meu de a conduce…Asa sa fie! Acum!" The orb before Jewel began to glow and she spun around to see Spike, on his knees. Above his head, Buffy and Angel exchanged emotion-laden glances. Their hands strayed toward each other, hesitating just beyond touch. Buffy’s lips trembled, as if she was remembering something. Maybe when this happened to Angel.

The blond man–Spike, Jewel reminded herself–looked up and for one second, his eyes glowed, the same color as the orb had only seconds before. And then it was gone, and only confusion was left.

"Who–?" he murmured, looking up at them all, gathered round. Angel moved and he turned to see him. "Angelus?"

"You knew him?" Buffy asked quietly.

"A little," Angel replied.

"What’s going on?" Spike asked, looking around at each of them. His dark eyes met Jewel’s and she felt the same shock she’d felt before.

"Will he remember?" Jewel asked, never breaking the gaze. Her eyes seemed to be transfixed to that sweet, lost face.

"In a minute," Angel said in a tight, hurt voice. Buffy’s face closed up, like there was too much pain to show.

It was easy to see, when it happened. Slowly, so slowly, realization dawned, memory returned–and a cry burst from Spike, a heart-wrenching, soul-killing cry. A sob burst from Jewel and before she could stop herself, or even think, she was kneeling in front of him, catching him as he collapsed forward.

He was a vampire, but she’d seen no evil from him. Just pain, just hurt. So she held him while he mourned, while he remembered his sins and his killings and mourned for those he had hurt.

She held him, and she mourned for him.

Buffy felt Angel stiffen beside her and knew he was remembering too. Remembering his own awakening, his own atonement. Despite everything that had happened and everything between them, Buffy took his hand and held it tightly, knowing she couldn’t make it all right and wanting so much to try.

The library was frozen, quiet except the cries of a vampire that had regained a soul and a legacy of pain.

And then suddenly, it was broken.

"Drusilla," Buffy said, looking at Angel. They’d all heard the sound.

"Hide him," Angel said, looking to Spike. Jewel looked up and, bracing herself against the floor, helped him stand. She linked an arm around his waist and followed Willow into what looked to be an office. The witch twitched the shades closed and hurried back out, closing the door behind her. One hand on Spike, Jewel peered between the blinds, watching for the vampire they’d all been talking about. She flounced into the library, flanked by two large men–vampires, Jewel reminded herself. She was slender, wearing an old fashioned red and black gown, with long brown hair caught up in an old-fashioned style and a strange look to her eyes.

"Where’s my Spike?" she purred. At the sound of her voice, Spike twitched. Jewel left the window and put her arms around him.

"I haven’t seen him," Buffy replied easily. "Have you seen him Willow?"

"I haven’t seen him, have you Oz?" Willow’s voice replied cheerfully, a hint of nerves mixed in.

"I haven’t seen him," Oz said coolly. "What about you Angel?"

"I haven’t seen him," the vampire finished. There was a second of silence.

"Hey, what about me?" Xander’s voice demanded. Jewel’s mouth twitched upwards.

"Have you seen him?" Buffy demanded flatly.

"Well, uh…no…but ya coulda asked!"

"I want Spike," Drusilla said in a cold English accent. He moved again and before Jewel could stop him, he had escaped her hold and was walking out into the library.

"And I want you, love, but now isn’t the time," he said easily. Jewel, hanging on the doorframe, watched him with astonishment. Drusilla pouted and walked toward him.

"But Spike–" she began in a whine.

"I have business love. Why don’t you go find something to eat and I’ll be home in a bit." She frowned.

"You’re not being friendly with the Slayer again," she growled. Jewel shivered.

" ‘Course not sweet. I’m just talkin’ a bit. Now go on like a good girl and I’ll bring you a treat," he said, shooing her off.

"I don’t want to," she whined, sounding like a little girl that wasn’t getting her candy. He hushed her and kissed her softly. Jewel shivered, watching him. Had it all been an act? But no, he had cried in her arms. That wasn’t an act.

"Now run along love," he admonished her. She pouted, but turned, glaring at Buffy and giving Angel an odd look. Jewel dug her nails into the doorframe, watching his confident, upright stance. She couldn’t see his face. He stayed there, watching Drusilla, until her footsteps were gone down the hall.

And then he collapsed.

Jewel gave a cry and ran to him where he crouched on the floor, silent. She looked at all the others, who seemed afraid to touch him or something. Afraid to do anything. Jewel bit her lips tightly and pulled him up, until he was sitting at least.

"We should take him somewhere safe before sunrise," Willow said softly.

"The mansion," Angel suggested immediately. He knelt beside Spike. "Can you walk?" The other vampire nodded, catching Angel’s eyes. A dark hand gripped a light one and they stood together. Jewel followed them up.

"Come on," Buffy said, gripping Spike’s other arm.

"Um…should we stay here?" Willow asked anxiously. Buffy glanced back at her friend and nodded.

"Um, lock the doors in case Dru decides to make an encore appearance," she said over her shoulder.

"I’ll go with you," Jewel said, grabbing her coat and bag. Somehow, she couldn’t let him leave without her. He needed her. He didn’t know her, but he needed her. She’d never known anything as much as she knew that.

Someone needed her. He needed her.

Jewel followed without a moment of hesitation.

********************

"Are you sure you’re okay?" Buffy asked anxiously. Jewel nodded, distracted by the innocence on the face of the man that lay so near her.

"Go on," she said, shooing them away. "Just, um, try to stick close to home, ‘cause I’d be less than thrilled if that Drusilla-lady decided to show up."

"Of course," Angel replied, watching them both with compassion. Jewel wondered briefly what compassion she had earned, but she didn’t really want to ask. She wasn’t sure she wanted to know.

"We’ll be back soon," Buffy promised. Jewel nodded again, her attention on Spike—the name seemed so odd for this beautiful, grieved man.

"Was he always called Spike?" she asked suddenly, just before Buffy and Angel exited the large mansion they’d brought them to. Angel turned back, shaking his head.

"He was named William before he became a vampire, and after for a while."

"William," Jewel murmured, turning back to her charge. "William." She nodded. "Thank you." The Slayer and the vampire exchanged glances and then slipped out into the night. Jewel sighed and began to wait.

********************

"God, Spike with a soul," Buffy sighed. "Not the most normal thing."

"Maybe you shouldn’t have done this. It’s not an easy thing, or a kind one," Angel said quietly.

"That would probably be why it’s called a curse. But Spike is dangerous and probably out for our blood and, and well, I think he’ll be a good help to us."

"Vampires change when they regain their souls," Angel reminded her.

"I know, I just have a feeling about this, okay?" she replied, sharper than she had meant to. He didn’t say anything, just continued up the steps. Somehow they were going up into the gardens, to where they had stood once when the snow began to fall and learned to let themselves love again. Could a miracle occur twice? Well, it was the summer, so snow was probably not on the agenda…

"The lights are going out," Angel murmured, looking out over the town as they emerged on the top of the hill.

"It’s late," she whispered, suddenly feeling the clenching in her stomach and the tears in her eyes. Angel was back, and he had his soul forever…but did he want to be with her anymore than he ever had?

"I’m sorry I came back," Angel said suddenly. Buffy felt the words like a blow to the stomach—more like the head actually. He didn’t want to be with her. He was sorry he had even come to Sunnydale. He glanced over at her and something in his expression changed, became hurt. "I mean, I’m sorry for you. You shouldn’t have to think about me. I know you didn’t want contact and—" And suddenly Buffy could breathe again. He hadn’t meant he was sorry. He wasn’t sorry he came back, not for him. He was sorry for her.

Which had to be the stupidest thing he’d ever been sorry for.

"Don’t," she ordered. He blinked. "Don’t be sorry. I mean, if you’re going to leave tonight or tomorrow, go ahead, be sorry. Be very, very sorry. But if you are leaving again, do it tonight or tomorrow. Because if you stay longer than that, and then leave again, I promise you I won’t survive it."

The silence was painful and full of hope at the same time.

And then he spoke.

********************

Her eyes only closed for a second; she’d been up since about six that morning to get to Sunnydale in time to get her apartment and get ready before the performance at the Bronze. When she startled herself awake from dreams of him, he was awake, watching her.

"You’re aw—" she began, then stopped. No need to state the obvious.

"Who are you?" he asked, his voice completely different from what she’d heard before he regained his soul, or even when he spoke to Drusilla. And yet, it was the same. Besides the obvious fact that it was the same voice, it had that confidence, that laughter at the world—it was just so muted, so hidden that it was almost gone. But Jewel made a career of listening to music and making it and his voice was music.

"My name is Jewel, and I’m a singer and a linguist," she replied. "I’m here to help you."

"You cast the spell," he told her, their eyes meeting. Jewel nodded.

"You remember?" she asked.

"I remember everything," he replied, his voice dead for a moment. She winced, sorry she’d asked. "You said you are a singer…Jewel…"

"Not Jewel, Jewel," she replied. "Jewel Kaufman. And seriously thinking of changing my name!" He gave her a charming half-smile and sat up a bit. She put out a hand to help him and their skin touched. It was like electricity. She pulled her hand back and smiled shyly.

"Where’s Angel then? And the Slayer, shouldn’t they be hanging around? This is Angel’s place, after all," he said, glancing around. She blinked.

"Yeah, it is. They’re talking outside," she told him. "Can I get you anything…do you eat or drink? I’m not a real vampire expert." He shook his head.

"I’m fine." There was a moment of silence, awkward and comfortable at the same time, as if they were meant to be silent together, or not, whatever they wished.

"How did you-how were you your old self again, for her?" Jewel asked finally.

"I had to be," he replied. "I couldn’t let Dru do anything rash." She smiled without thinking; she loved listening to his voice, no matter what it was saying. No matter the fact that she had just met him and other the oddest of circumstances, to say the least. "Why are you here?"

"Because you need me to be," she replied simply, without thought. Their eyes met again and she inhaled sharply. "I, uh, was attacked earlier and Buffy saved me. She kind of told me the truth and then I ended up translating and casting the spell because I speak Rumanian."

"Rumanian, huh? You are a linguist," Spike muttered.

"Told ya," Jewel replied lightly. Spike’s eyes drifted beyond her, to something hanging on a wall behind her. He lost his smile and his face convulsed suddenly. Jewel slipped out of her chair to kneel beside the bed and grabbed his hands in hers. Slowly he slipped back to the present, looked back to her. His eyes were full of tears.

"What have I done?" he asked quietly. "What have I done?"

"Nothing," she replied as swiftly as she could. "I don’t know much about vampires, but I know that you haven’t done a thing." And because his eyes still didn’t believe her, she kissed his hands and let him cry in her arms, hoping that somehow it would help.

And when the crying had subsided, there was only exhaustion left, mental, physical and emotional, and they slipped into sleep curled in each other’s arms.

********************

I don’t think I would either, he had said, and then there hadn’t been words. They had just stood there for the longest time, watching the lights go out all over the city, until both realized it was time to go back to Spike and Jewel.

The mansion was quiet as they approached, and for a second Buffy was frightened when she pulled open the curtain. The fire was almost out and Jewel…where was Jewel? She turned to Angel to demand, frantically how they had managed to lose a singer they had just met and a vampire they’d just given a soul to. But he was looking beyond her, at the bed, and Buffy followed his gaze. She took a sharp breath when she saw them; Jewel’s head rested on Spike’s chests, the lack of movement testifying to the fact he did not breathe. His hand was curled in hers, centimeters from her softly curved mouth. The moonlight falling in through the open curtain made Spike’s hair white and Jewel’s blond. They looked so sweet, young lovers that had just dozed off…except for the tear marks on their cheeks, but even that…

Buffy looked at Angel and their eyes met. They had been that once, able to fall asleep in each other’s arms, no matter what. Except Spike and Jewel didn’t even know each other.

"I guess she’s what he needs," Angel murmured. "If she can help him at all…"

"I’m not trying to stop her. Should we leave them?" Buffy asked in a whisper. He didn’t have time to answer; Jewel stirred slightly, her hand tightening around his and then sighing deeply. She smiled at nothing, and her eyes–dark and shining in the moonlight–opened slowly. She sat up abruptly when she saw them, and winced as he moved.

"Sorry," Buffy said contritely. Jewel dismissed her fears with a smile and tried to stand up without disturbing him. It didn’t work. A pale hand captured hers. She stopped and smiled down at him. Spike sat up, eyeing Angel and Buffy.

"So, you’ve decided to come for a visit," he said easily.

"How are you?" Angel asked.

"Well, not too bad considering. I’m not about to go eat rats for 90 years," Spike replied. Jewel frowned. Must be something Angel had down. Buffy had an odd look.

"You ate rats?" she demanded, then shook her head. "Never mind, I don’t want to know." Spike smiled, a touch of humor still left in him.

"It’s almost sunrise, I should go home," Buffy said. "Jewel, can I walk you to your apartment or wherever?" Jewel began to nod, then looked to Spike, who was clutching her hand. "Will you be all right? I mean, I don’t have to be home. No one’s expecting me."

"I’ll be fine," he assured her. "Angel won’t let me do anything crazy-like." Her lips tightened and she squeezed his hand.

"I’ll be back after I get some sleep," she promised. "Don’t go anywhere."

"Not planning on it," he replied. She sat down beside him and kissed his cheek, surprising them both. He blinked and watched her leave without a word. Buffy looked as if she would kiss Angel, but stopped, touching his hand briefly and following Jewel outside.

"What’s going on with you and Spike?" Buffy asked as they started down the street, beginning to light with false dawn.

"I don’t know," Jewel replied truthfully. "He needs me, I can…I can feel it. He needed me to hold him and then he fell asleep. But I feel like I know him, somehow. Like I’m the only one that does, the only one that can help him. I can’t really explain him." Buffy was silent for a long moment, then she took a deep breath and gave Jewel a little smile.

"Believe me, you don’t need to. I know the feeling. In that major, life-changing way."

"Are you and Angel…" Jewel began, then trailed off, not sure what to say, or if she was even allowed to ask about something like that. It didn’t seem like she’d just met this girl a night before. It felt like she’d known them all for a while–not like it felt with William (as she had privately begun to think of Spike), but similar.

"I don’t know either," Buffy replied. "He said he didn’t think he could stay and then leave again, but I’m really not sure if that means he’s not going to leave, or he’s not going to stay."

"But the curse–" Jewel began.

"It wasn’t just that," Buffy said softly. "He had a lot of reasons to leave. He thought I’d be better off without him, that I’d want things he couldn’t give me and so he had to leave so I’d have them."

"But it hasn’t work," Jewel stated. Buffy shook her head, a wry smile twisting her lips.

"About as much as making it snow it Hell would work," she concurred. "I wish he could see that. I’ve been miserable for months…but I don’t know. I don’t know. I couldn’t convince him to stay the first time."

"I’m sorry," Jewel whispered. There was another long silence.

"Be careful," Buffy said suddenly. Jewel blinked. "With Spike I mean. He’s not Angel, but he’ll probably have the same reasons. If you love him, or think you will, make sure he knows that and make sure he knows that you’re happier with him, no matter what. Angel and I were fine until curse was broken, and since that can’t happen, you two should be okay. But be careful."

"We’re here," Jewel murmured, stopping in front of her new home. Buffy stopped and nodded.

"Good night," she said. "Thank you for everything you’ve done."

"Thank you," Jewel replied. "Thank you for saving my life, and thank you for letting me meet Wil–Spike. Thank you." Buffy gave her another offhand, almost bitter smile.

"Let’s see if you keep thanking me. But you’re welcome. You’re very, very welcome." And when Jewel turned back from unlocking the door, the Slayer was gone.