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********************
"Angel? William?" Jewel called. "It’s Jewel. Remember, Jewel?"
The door opened and she blinked when she saw Angel, dressed in jeans and long-sleeved
T-shirt despite the heat.
"Come in," he beckoned. She stepped inside, looking around and letting
her eyes adjust to the lack of sunlight. The room was better lighted now; it was
really a beautiful place. A little austere, but gorgeous all the same.
"I’m sorry to intrude, but I promised I would come…" she trailed off.
"Spike will be out in a minute," Angel said quietly. She bit her lip and
nodded. There was a moment of silence and Jewel decided to be bold.
"She really missed you, you know? Buffy, I mean," she said quickly, not
daring to meet his eyes. He seemed like a nice guy, but everyone took criticism different
ways, and that could be considered criticism.
To her surprise, all he said was, "I know." She looked up startled to meet
his dark eyes for a moment, then heard a footstep behind her and spun. She found
herself smiling foolishly, though there was nothing to smile about. Suddenly he smiled
back and sunshine burst through her.
"You came back," he said softly. She swallowed and managed an indignant
look.
"I told you I would silly boy! I mean, you’re not a boy, but..." she stopped
and took a deep breath. He stepped toward her, then stopped, unsure of what to do.
He looked a little better. His dark eyes still held enormous pain, but he’d changed
(where had he gotten clothes? Jewel wondered…Angel’s wouldn’t fit him). He ran a
hand through his bleached blond hair. She smiled absently. He looked like Billy Idol.
But a lot cuter. Suddenly she realized he was looking her over as she was him; she
blushed, wondering what he was thinking. She’d been told she was beautiful, but the
guys that had told her that were a little biased, so she didn’t particularly trust
it.
She trusted the look in his eyes though.
On a sudden instinct, she closed the remaining distance between them and linked
her arms around his neck, laying her head against his chest. Somehow it just wasn’t
right to be near him and not…near him. She waited, her body tensed against his, until
slowly, his arms encircled hers. Vaguely she heard Angel’s footsteps behind her as
he went into another room, giving them privacy. She relaxed against him and his arms
tightened.
"How are you?" she whispered.
"Better now," he breathed, bending his head so his hair brushed her cheek.
She smiled slightly; it tickled.
"Does it hurt?" she asked, a shiver going through her.
"Yes." Her arms tightened and his lips pressed softly against her bare
shoulder.
"Can you tell me about it?"
"I don’t know why, but I could tell you bloody anything," he muttered.
She pulled away, just enough to see his face and frame it between her hands.
"Please, tell me. Tell me anything. Tell me everything. I want to know you,"
she whispered, their eyes gripping each other.
"You already do," he replied.
"Yeah, but how?"
"How should I know?" he asked dryly. "What am I, a bloody fortune
teller?" She smiled, a bittersweet twist of the lips.
"If you want to be. What do you want to be William?" He started at the
name and she bit her lip, then he smiled softly, all mockery gone from the gesture.
"William. It’s been a long time since someone called me that. What do I want
to be? Anything but what I was." Her hands tightened on his arms.
"Don’t say that. Whatever you were–" she began. He pulled away abruptly,
turning and stepping away. She stopped, an almost physical pain shooting through
her. He was walking away.
"You don’t get it. I was a monster. I am a monster. I’ve killed and maimed
and loved every second! You know why they call me Spike? Probably not. It’s because
I used to torture my victims with railroad spikes," he told her harshly. Jewel
winced at every word. Why was he saying this? It hadn’t been him, even if she knew
nothing else she knew that. There was so much pain in him. She wanted to help,
needed to help. And more.
She needed him to hold her as much as he needed to be held.
"William, please," she began. He stopped. "Please, you don’t have
to say these things. It wasn’t you, it was a demon. You’re not like that, you’re
not a monster."
"How the hell do you know?" he demanded, swinging around and fixing her
with a stare.
"Because I do!" she cried, tears springing to her eyes and threatening
to overflow. "Because I know you and I don’t know how or why or anything but
I know you and I know you’re not like that and I know that if you can’t see that–"
All the pain and anger in him melted immediately and moments later he was beside
her again, touching her gently.
"Don’t cry sweet. I’m sorry," he said softly, tipping her chin up and wiping
the tears as they fell from her eyes. She tried to smile at him but failed miserably.
"I’m sorry too but you have to see that you’re not that monster. You’re a good
person and you just have bad memories. Like nightmares. Pretend they’re nightmares
or something–it wasn’t real. It wasn’t really you!"
"It’s not quite that easy pet," he told her gently.
"I know! I know it isn’t easy, but you have to try. For me, please? I
know I just met you, but I also know I need you and I don’t want to loose you to
guilt and hurt. I want you with me, not off wallowing in misery and guilt and self-pity!"
Jewel cried, then stopped, shocked with herself. For God’s sake, she had just met
him! She wasn’t this rash of a person!
Except suddenly, with him, all her logic, all everything, had flown right out the
door. All she knew was him.
And that was really, really frightening.
********************
Buffy spent a whole thirty seconds laying in bed before she remembered he was back.
Before she remembered everything else as well.
She sat bolt upright, clutching the covers tightly. What if she went to the mansion
and he was gone? What if he’d realized overnight that he couldn’t stay and he had
left again? What about that? Or what if he was still there, but he was going
to leave? Would that be better, or worse? And what was going on with Spike? And when
was Drusilla going to show up, demanding they hand him over. She would probably be
less than pleased when she found out what had happened. Especially after that act
Spike had pulled.
And what about Jewel?
Buffy sighed, thinking about the singer and leaned back against the headboard of
her bed. What was she going to do about Jewel? She really liked the other young woman,
but she shouldn’t be pulling her into this. It was bad enough with all her friends,
but a complete stranger? Besides, they had no idea if they could trust her, and under
pressure she might crumble in a second. Still, Buffy had a feeling and as a Slayer
she had to trust her feelings…
Willow. Willow could look her up, find out everything about her. So it was snooping
and illegal and pretty mean, but in Buffy’s line of work, she couldn’t really worry
about feeling’s getting hurt. For all they knew, Jewel could be a demon in disguise.
Or a gypsy. Buffy frowned. What if she was a gypsy? That would explain her
knowing Rumanian, which wasn’t exactly a common language. Then again, she could have
a curse on her, or just be a witch. She’d done pretty well with the spell the night
before, after all.
"Wow I’ve lived here way too long," Buffy muttered, throwing off
the covers and sliding out of her bed. Why couldn’t she just trust the girl? Besides,
after watching her and Spike the night before, Buffy was really doubting she could
get Jewel out of it even if she wanted to. And she seemed to help him, which was
more than Buffy knew how to do.
Buffy just wished she could help Angel.
Buffy just wished she could help herself.
********************
Jewel sipped a soda as she walked along the sunny streets of Sunnydale. She’d suddenly
found her stomach growling and excused herself to go get something to eat in the
form of a Sub sandwich—Turkey with extra mayo.
She and Spike had talked a lot, sat, holding hands and talked longer. While at the
time it had seemed perfect and everything right, now she wasn't doing so well with
it.
Jewel had had boyfriends before (though she wasn’t quite sure he qualified as a boyfriend),
but none for very long. It had always been easy to find faults with them. Too easy.
And declaring herself a perfectionist, she had managed to dump them all, though she
tried to be nice about it. One was too grabby, one never touched her. One was always
around and one never called her. One had this annoying tapping thing…it had been
like that all through middle school and high school. And then there’d been Ben.
Jewel sighed, twirling her hair around her fingers nervously, thinking of the one
guy she hadn’t been able to find any faults with. Not that she’d known him that long.
That was the bad part.
"I want this to work," she murmured to herself, picturing the slender blond
man that made her feel all warm inside. "I will make this work."
But despite the hot sun and the merry atmosphere of the small, Southern California
town, she couldn’t quite make herself believe it. Not beyond a doubt.
********************
"She seems great. I mean, she really is from Canada and a singer and all. Well,
we knew the singer part ‘cause we saw her perform, but she’s been telling the truth
about everything else that I can tell," Willow said cheerfully. "Her school
even had records of her taking about ten different languages then dropping out after
a few weeks, saying she already knew them. And her mom is a professor of linguistics."
"Well that sounds good," Buffy said, nodding slowly. "I guess we’ll
just watch her then, in case. Next problem…Drusilla."
"I’m guessing she’s gonna make an appearance," Xander put in.
"Thanks for that astounding observation," Buffy said dryly. "Anyone
else?"
"Well she can’t really attack us to get Spike back if he doesn’t want to go,"
Oz said slowly.
"True, but she doesn’t know he doesn’t want to go," Willow pointed out.
"So we do…what? You know, there are times when having a Giles really comes in
handy," Buffy remarked.
"I can be a Giles!" Willow exclaimed. "I mean, not actually him, but
a person of that…caliber or something…" Buffy smiled fondly and patted her friend’s
hand.
"I know Will, it’s just nice to have the authority to lean on. Y’ know, ‘cause
I can always blame him is something goes wrong, but if I make the wrong decision,
no one to blame but me."
"That could be a problem," Oz remarked.
"I feel your pain," Xander put in. Buffy smiled briefly.
"So we have no plan. I think this meeting’s been a big help."
"We had donuts!" Willow said cheerfully.
"Donuts make all things better," Xander intoned. The girls exchanged looks
and began to giggle.
"What’s so funny?" a new voice asked, as the library doors swung open.
They turned to see Jewel stop. "I hope I’m not intruding, I thought maybe I
could come here…"
"No, of course not!" Buffy exclaimed. "You’re welcome, definitely.
Have you seen Spike yet?" Jewel nodded.
"I went over there when I woke up."
"How was he?" Willow asked anxiously.
"He’s all right. I mean, he’s having a hard time, but he’s working on it and
he’s not going to be anything drastic," Jewel said firmly, though there was
a note of worry in her voice. The inhabitants of the library exchanged anxious looks.
"He’ll be fine," Jewel repeated. "What are all of you doing? Is there
anything I can help with?"
"Not that I can think of. We were just kind of wrapping up," Buffy explained.
"Hey, you want to go out for ice cream or something?" Willow asked. "There’s
no air conditioning in here during the summer!" Jewel grinned and fanned herself
with a hand.
"You’re right, it is kinda hot, isn’t it? I just ate, but I’m up for ice cream.
Always up for ice cream." Xander grinned, walking to her and slinging an arm
around her shoulder.
"I think you’ll fit in very well here," he grinned. "How do you feel
about jelly donuts?" Jewel laughed and let herself forget, for the moment, everything
that scared her.
********************
Spike wandered the mansion aimlessly, memories flashing through his mind. Of the
first time they’d come, of watching Drusilla and Angelus play will he was stuck in
that thrice-damned wheelchair. Of fighting the woman he’d loved, walking away from
the Slayer, thinking she would die.
And of her, the beautiful young woman that had appeared into his life, given him
his soul and taken his heart all in one night.
Jewel. Spike rolled the sound in his mind, in his thoughts. She called him William.
No one had called him William in a hundred years. And then, it had been in joke,
not a real name. The last person to call him William with love in their voice had
been his fiancée, before he killed her.
Spike shuddered violently, closing his eyes against her face, but he couldn’t shut
it out. She’d begged him to stop, begged him to listen to her, to fight whatever
was holding him. And his soul, locked somewhere deep inside had heard. He had fought.
But he’d been defeated. He’d been defeated and injured and he had watched her die,
listened to her cries of agony.
He’d tasted her blood.
How could he let himself love again? How could be let another woman into his life
when he had brutally murdered the last? True, it had been over a hundred years before,
but still…still it was as if yesterday.
Her name was Theadora, but he called her Thea. They’d met when they were young…he
was seventeen, she fifteen and fallen in love. Time and families had separated the,
but they met again, when he was nearly twenty-five and wooed and he had won her hand.
He’d met Angelus weeks before the wedding, playing poker at a gaming Hell. Poker
had been his one weakness, and a terrible one at that. Angelus had trounced him,
but promised he could pay the bet back later, after the wedding, after he was settled
in. Spike–William then–had told him all about Thea, about their plans and their love.
What a fool he’d been.
Angelus cared nothing for love, except that it brought greater pain. Even as a demon,
Spike had still loved. He had loved Angelus as a friend, a sire. He had loved Drusilla
as a life he didn’t have. But that was over now. Angelus was gone, now there was
Angel. Angel. And Drusilla…poor girl, he pitied her more than anything. He still
remembered the love he’d held for her, still knew it, but it no longer held him,
no longer consumed him. He’d killed the one human he’d ever loved.
And again he asked himself; how could he let himself love again?
But she was so beautiful, and his heart told him it was too late for questions.
********************
"Losing my…life? No," Jewel muttered, stopping in the middle of her
humming. She tapped her fingers absently on her guitar, going over the line again.
She sighed. "From the beginning?"
"What are you doing?" Spike asked, wandering into the room. Jewel looked
up and smiled brilliantly, setting her guitar aside carefully and standing up.
"This song has been bugging me all day," she replied lightly. "Just
trying to get it into some real form."
"Sorry I haven’t been more entertaining," he said softly, shrugging out
of his long coat. Jewel shrugged in turn.
"When you’re hungry, it’s often a good idea to eat," she said as lightly
as she could. She couldn’t imagine him drinking blood–Angel had explained that he
was just going to the butcher’s to get animal blood, since neither of them could
drink human blood anymore. Just the thought of drinking human blood was frightening
and not altogether real in Jewel’s mind.
But William was real.
"Not always," he replied evenly, pain hidden in his voice. She winced.
"I’m sorry," she murmured. He shook his head.
"Don’t be. Now, what do you do for fun around here?"
"From what I’ve gathered you’ve spent quite a bit more time in Sunnydale than
I have," Jewel pointed out.
"Yeah, but my idea of fun was somewhat different then." Jewel bit her lip
again.
"Let’s go to the Bronze," she suggested suddenly. "I performed there
last night, it seemed like a happening place." He laughed suddenly.
"Happening, huh? Then we better make an appearance." Jewel turned to put
her guitar away.
"Is it okay if I leave this here?" she asked. "I can come get it later."
"It’s all right with me, isn’t my house anyway," he replied. She glanced
over her shoulder to smile at him and finished closing the case–her smile broadening
as the many stickers and doodles sprawled across it brought back memories.
"Where is Angel?" she asked, turning around. They’d left together.
Spike shrugged.
"Probably going to talk to that blo–to Buffy."
"What did you almost call her?" Jewel inquired, a smile playing on her
lips.
"Old habits are sometimes hard to break," was all he would say. She grinned
and took his hand. "About time they get it out. I told them they couldn’t be
friends, that they’d be in love forever. Smartest thing I ever said. And they’re
still miserable!"
"You gotta give them some credit. This love stuff isn’t easy, you know,"
Jewel pointed out. He gave her a sideways look that was somehow teasing and sad at
the same time.
"You’re right about that one," he sighed. "Definitely right about
that." And Jewel shivered as they stepped out of the mansion, though the night
air was warm.
********************
"I’m gonna go check on Spike," Buffy said, standing up. "You guys
have fun."
"Peroxide Boy’ll be fine," Xander exclaimed. "You can’t leave me with
them." Them was a reference to Willow and Oz, who were whispering
to each other across the table. Buffy glanced at her friends with a smile, but shrugged.
"Sorry Xand. You can come with me if you really want, but other than that I
can’t do much for ya," the Slayer replied. Xander glanced at the entrance to
the Bronze, then back to Willow and Oz, oblivious to their discussion.
"Uh, I’ll come with you," he decided. Buffy shrugged.
"Hurry up then," she said, starting toward the door. He ran after her,
waving to Willow and Oz who waved absently back.
"So how are you doing Buff?" Xander asked, falling into step beside her.
Buffy shrugged.
"I survive." He frowned.
"He shouldn’t have come back," he muttered darkly.
"Xander! He came to warn us," she snapped.
"Yeah, b–" Xander began, then stopped. Because Angel was coming into the
Bronze and they’d suddenly come face to face.
"Buffy," he said, his eyes going straight to the young woman.
"Angel," she replied, her voice even as if she was trying very hard to
keep emotions out of it.
"Xander," her friend said. "Whoa, déjà vu." Buffy and
Angel turned to glare at him. "Going now." He sighed and turned to walk
back to their table.
"Were you going somewhere?" Angel asked.
"Just to check on Spike," Buffy said. "Do you want to come?"
He nodded.
"We need to talk."
"I guess," she replied slowly. What did he want to talk to her about? What
did he want to tell her? It was worse, this waiting, this hinging her life and emotional
state on his decision, then when he was just gone. This way she didn’t know, she
couldn’t know. She really hated that.
"What?" he asked, hearing the hesitation in her voice. They were away from
the Bronze now, moving down the semi-dark streets toward the mansion.
"It’s just not exactly fun for me to be around you when I don’t know if you’re
leaving or not," Buffy replied, her vice sharper than she had meant it to be.
"That’s what I wanted to talk to you about," Angel said. Buffy glanced
sideways at him, wishing she could read his expression. How could he have this much
self-control? It wasn’t fair!
"Well, go o–" Buffy began, then stopped, when they turned the corner right
into Spike and Jewel, holding hands.
"Hey," Angel said.
"Angel, Buffy," Spike said in his English accent.
"Where are you headed?" Buffy asked, recovering from her surprise.
"The Bronze," Jewel said. "What about you?"
"We were coming to look for you actually," Buffy replied with a smile.
"Well that’s just dandy then, isn’t it?" Spike put in.
"Is it?" a new voice asked. They all turned to see a lithe figure stepping
out from the shadows. "Spike, you didn’t come home last night. I was worried."
Behind Drusilla, the street filled with vampires.