|
|
********************
"So what were you going to say in the alley?" Jewel asked softly. Mrs.
Summers had gone to bed and Buffy and Angel were in the kitchen. Jewel had curled
up on the couch, her head in his lap. He stroked her hair softly.
"What was I going to say?" he asked, pretending ignorance. Her lips twitched
into a soft smile and her hand snaked up to trace his cheekbone. "When exactly
was this?"
"You know when it was silly boy!" she scolded. "When I said…"
"What?" he asked, his eyes dark and mysterious and suddenly full of need.
She propped herself up onto her elbows, her eyes darkening as well.
"When I said I love you," she whispered, totally vulnerable for a moment,
and amazed with herself at the same time. She was saying this. She was actually saying
this, and she meant it, and she wanted it.
Most of her wanted it anyway.
"Ah, then," he whispered, his voice teasing but beneath so, just as vulnerable,
just as needy. "I was going to say that I believe I feel exactly the same way."
Their eyes held each other for such a long time, seconds or minutes or hours, or
maybe eons. Two souls had found each other, meeting in that moment, in that meeting
of eyes. Jewel held up her hand and their fingers touched softly, intertwining.
"I’m scared," she whispered.
"So am I," he admitted, losing the manly façade for a minute and just
being who he was, just being hers.
And despite the warmth that encompassed her, despite the love she felt radiating
from him like a beacon, like the sun radiated warmth, despite all that, she was cold.
She was so cold.
And she was so, so scared.
********************
"I think an early night for everybody," Buffy said, dipping a ship in the
salsa she was currently pouring into a bowl.
"Probably a good idea," Angel replied quietly. She took a deep breath and
willed herself to look up at him.
"You were, um, going to tell me something before we got interrupted," she
reminded him, somehow against her better judgement. His eyes met hers and she winced.
She really should have let it alone.
"Right. I wanted to say that…that all the reasons I left are still there,"
Angel told her softly. Buffy closed her eyes, trying not to let it show, not to left
the pain knifing through her take her to the floor as it threatened to. Her hands
tightened on the counter, the only thing keeping her on her feet.
"How can you believe that Angel?" she cried. "How can you even think
that I would rather you were gone? Especially now that–" She cut off abruptly.
It wasn’t worth it. All the trying and all the pleading hadn’t helped before and
they wouldn’t now.
"It’s true," he said quietly. "I still can’t give you a normal life
or kids, or–"
"My god! Kids! For one, you think Giles would ever let me take nine months
of my life–or even like two–for maternity leave? Plus, y’ know, there’s the whole
me not knowing how to take care of an egg, much less a person!" Angel tried
to say something, but she cut him off with a shake of her head. "Let me finish.
Even if by some miracle I was ever ready to be a parent, I could just adopt. In fact,
that’d be a much better idea anyway. So children is not an excuse you’re allowed
to use."
"Please, let me finish," Angel asked.
"Why?" Buffy demanded, the tears finally surfacing. "So you can tear
me apart more? So you can tell me lies about why you have to leave even though you
don’t have to do anything? Even though I want you to stay more than anything?"
"That’s not what I was going to say!" Angel cried, his temper beginning
to rise. Buffy stopped and looked at him, her eyes red and her face wet with tears.
"What then?" she whispered hoarsely.
"I wanted to say that even though nothing’s really changed, I want to stay.
I can’t go away again, and I don’t want to. I want to be with you."
Buffy’s world flipped over again and this time her legs did collapse. "You
want to stay?" she whispered. Angel knelt beside her.
"With all my soul," he replied softly. She gave a ragged sob and he reached
out for her. She pulled away, leaving him watching her with an anxious expression.
"So that’s it? So you’re just going to decide to come back? Did you even think
about all the months I’ve spent miserable? Did you even wonder how I’ve felt all
this time, whether I want you back? Okay, so that one’s stupid, because I do, but
it’s not that simple Angel."
"I’m sorry," he said, not meeting her eyes. Buffy struggled to her feet
and he followed.
"You’re sorry? You’re sorry?" she demanded, then began to laugh
suddenly, a horrible mocking laugh. "God. Sorry. I died when you left
me Angel! That’s not something that can just change!" His mouth tightened and
he turned away.
"Do you want me to go?" he asked.
"No! No! You don’t get it! I want you, and I want you to stay, but it can’t
be like it was! We can’t just go back," Buffy sobbed. "It isn’t all right.
It just isn’t."
"What do you want me to do?" Angel demanded. Buffy’s voice fell away, though
her sobs continued.
"I don’t know," she whispered. "I don’t know. I’m sorry too and please,
I just need some time. Just don’t leave again. Promise me you won’t leave again,
ever."
"I promise," Angel swore, taking a step toward her. Buffy fled the room,
up the stairs and to her room. Angel stepped after her and stopped at the foot of
the stairs. Jewel and Spike had come to see what was the matter, and the three of
them stood there for a very long moment, looking at each other.
"I’ll go talk to her," Jewel said finally, pulling away from Spike. He
watched her go with an odd expression in his eyes, but she didn’t look back at him,
as if it was on purpose. As if she wouldn’t look back at him.
"Is it always this bloody hard?" Spike asked absently when the singer had
disappeared into Buffy’s room.
"What?" Angel asked, turning back to him.
"Love."
"Always," the other vampire replied, the pain in his voice attesting to
the truth of the word.
********************
"Are you okay?" Jewel asked softly, knowing the question was silly but
needing to ask it anyway.
"No! I mean, yes. I mean, I should be totally ecstatic," Buffy sobbed,
sitting up on her bed and wiping futilely at her tears. Jewel frowned slight. Ecstatic?
"What happened?" she asked, taking a seat beside Buffy. The Slayer took
a deep breath and her tears started to slow.
"He’s going to stay," she said, the glimmer of a smile showing through
beneath her tears. Jewel suppressed a smile of her own. But if Angel was staying,
what was the problem? Buffy must have seen the question in her eyes, or else she
was asking herself it. "I’m happy about that, I really am. I mean, happy doesn’t
even begin to describe it. I feel like I’m flying, but at the same time…I’m so scared.
What if he changes his mind? I’m afraid to open my heart to him again, because the
first time he turned into a monster, and the next time he left me, just walked away.
And I don’t want to be scared, I want to be happy and to love him, but it’s hard.
I don’t know if I should or if I, if I can." Jewel put a hand out to touch Buffy’s
arm and the Slayer just kept talking.
"I know it sounds stupid and I should just be happy, but it hurt so much to
lose him. I died when he left me, I died inside, my heart just—gave up. And now he’s
asking me to let him try again, to bring my heart back to life. But what if he changes
his mind? Will the rest of me die this time?" Buffy whispered. Jewel’s arm moved
to the other girl’s shoulders.
"If we let the fear rule us, we’d never see happiness or light," she said
softly. Buffy sighed, a thousand tears in that sigh.
"I know," she whispered. "It’s just hard. It’s just so hard."
She stirred then, and looked at Jewel for the first time since she’d come in. Her
eyes were red and blotchy, but she’d stopped crying and her mouth quirked into an
almost-smile. Her eyes stopped on Jewel’s hand.
"You have a Claddaugh ring!" she exclaimed in surprise. Jewel blinked, and
then nodded.
"I’m half Irish," she said quickly. "They’re Irish rings, they symbolize
love and friendsh—"
"I know," Buffy interrupted. "Angel-Angel has one and he-he gave me
one last year, before he lost his soul." Jewel blinked, surprised again. She
seemed to be doing that a lot lately.
"But that’s like marriage," she breathed. Buffy smiled softly.
"I know. My ring…I left it at the mansion and that was what brought him back.
I think he still has it. I wanted it back for a long time but I could never ask and
then when he left, I was glad I didn’t have it, one less thing to remind me. But
it always feels wrong not to wear it."
"I have a necklace too," Jewel said. "But you probably don’t want
it if it’s not from him." Buffy nodded.
"Nice thought though," she said, then took a deep breath. "Well that
was…refreshing…thanks for coming to talk to me."
"You looked like you needed it," Jewel replied with a smile. Their eyes
met and Buffy grinned back.
"Darn tootin’!" she cried. "Okay, since you’re staying here for the
night, you better borrow some of my pajamas. What do you say we get into our pjs,
then do each other’s hair and prank phone call Xander?" Jewel giggled.
"Sounds like fun," she said, letting herself forget her own fear for the
moment, content to just be a girl for a little while.
********************
The music was beautiful, familiar and yet haunting and elusive and so perfectly
clear and gorgeous. She looked over at her father and smiled; he looked so proud,
so happy for her. And she was so happy. Her dress floated around her, just as she’d
always imagined it would be when she was little girl planning her wedding. Everything
was perfect, from the bridesmaids gowns to the last little flower in the flower girl’s
hair.
Buffy was a bridesmaid, and her best friend from Canada, Laurie. And then there he
was, turning to meet her, so handsome and everything she’d always wanted. Her father
faded away and she was alone, stepping forward to meet him with all her hopes and
dreams in her eyes and in her heart for everyone to know. She hardly heard the rabbi,
hardly knew what he was saying. All she could see was him, his dark eyes and his
hands holding hers.
And then he asked her. "I do," she replied with all her heart and her soul.
It had been so hard to get her, do hard to make herself open up to him, to make herself
take the plunge and commit, but now that she was here, it was suddenly easy. She’d
feared this moment so much and now it was so simple and right. And then it was her
turn and as she met her eyes she suddenly knew something was very, very wrong.
"I-I don’t," he said, very calmly and clearly. The rest of the people disappeared
and there was only them and Jewel couldn’t think. He let go of her hands, shaking
them off and she fell, all her strength gone.
"William!" she screamed, but he was walking away from her, without turning
back. And then suddenly he stopped and hope flared, and he turned.
"I’m sorry," he said. "I just…I don’t want to be with you after all."
And Jewel screamed because her heart was being torn apart and screamed and screamed
and screamed…
"It’s a dream!" Buffy exclaimed. "Jewel, wake up! It’s just a
dream!" She sat up and found the other young woman’s hands on her shoulders,
shaking her. She took several short, gasping breaths, trying to rid herself of the
utter panic, the helplessness the horrible, horrible feeling of leaving herself open,
of giving herself to someone and finding out he didn’t want her.
This was what she was afraid of.
"It was just a dream," Buffy repeated in a quieter voice. Jewel met her
eyes in the darkness. Just a dream.
But it had been so real.
********************
"Get off me!" Spike snarled.
"You can’t go up there," Angel growled fiercely, gripping his arms tightly.
"I have to!" Spike cried, pain creeping into his voice. She screamed. Oh
God, she had screamed.
"The sun is almost up. Do you think it will help her if you burst into flames?"
Angel demanded, not loosening his hold for a second. Spike strained again, for just
one moment, and then suddenly collapsed, his eyes turning upwards to where her sobs
still echoed…