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********************
"Go," Spike commanded.
"Are you sure?" Angel asked. The younger vampire nodded.
"I can bloody well take care of myself! I’m two hundred and seven years old
for God’s sake!" Spike exclaimed, rolling his eyes. Angel shrugged.
"You don’t have to leave you know," he said quietly.
"What do you know about it?" Spike sneered, then quieted, losing his anger.
"I do Angel. I’ll check in sometime, see how you and the little Misses are getting
along. How long it takes her to make you a puppy." Angel didn’t take offense,
knowing it was all bluster to hide the pain Spike had been feeling.
"You do that," he said. Their eyes met for a minute, and for just a second
Spike let his guard completely down, and Angel knew how hurt his soul was, and Spike
knew how hurt Angel’s soul had been. But Angel had found his love again. Spike could
never find his. She didn’t want to be found.
"Go on, she’s waiting for you by now," Spike said. Buffy was supposed to
go pick up Jewel and then meet Angel at the Bronze. Spike had heard them talking
about it. Angel nodded silently.
"Take care of yourself," Angel said with a half-smile.
"Damn right I will you old wanker," Spike laughed, though even his laugh
was bittersweet and painful. Angel nodded once more and then turned away, walking
out into the night. Spike swallowed hard and looked around the spark mansion. It
was becoming less so; Buffy had gone back to her house to get some of her things
earlier. They were scattered about, though most were still in boxes. Stuffed animals
looked rather out of place, but who was Spike to say anything?
Drusilla hadn’t bothered with his car. He’d found it where he left it, and brought
it back here the night before. So all he had to do was get in and drive. Just drive.
Driving wasn’t so easy when it was away from her.
********************
The Bronze was exactly the same as it had been the other night; Jewel got the feeling
it never really changed much. It probably hadn’t changed as much in the last ten
years as she had in the last three days. Especially that day.
It was too late, she knew that. It didn’t stop her from also knowing what an incredible
mistake she’d made. Because whatever fear ran through her veins, not having him was
like being hollow inside. And as much as you need blood, a body is slightly more
important. Besides, without him, there was no blood, there was no fear. She needed
him. To fill her. And she’d driven him away. She had heard what he said; she had
lost her chance, she had messed it up. Now she had to live with the consequences,
if she could.
But it was almost time to sing, and singing always helped. Maybe even this time.
********************
"You’re a bloody idiot," Spike told himself as he walked around the gardens,
delaying and delaying leaving. He should just go. Staying here wasn’t going to help
anything. She wasn’t coming. She wasn’t looking for him. She was at the Bronze, and
then she was going to leave. Why had he said all those things to her? He was scared,
but not that much. Never enough that she wouldn’t fix it. Mostly, he was scared he
would hurt her, as he had hurt everyone else he ever loved. And when she left him,
it made him feel as if she feared that too, no matter what it really was she was
running from.
Spike turned a neatly hedged corner to face the fountain, wondering what he would
ever do without her.
********************
"Hi," Jewel said softly, smiling a little. "I know, back so soon?
But don’t worry, you don’t have to listen to me sing the same songs. I’m mostly going
to do covers, and a new song that I just wrote. I guess I’ll start with that."
Buffy caught the singer’s eyes as she licked her lips and smiled.
"Hey," a voice said just behind her ear. Buffy didn’t turn to look at him,
but reached her hand back. His arms snaked around her.
"She wrote a new song," Buffy whispered, her eyes staying on her new friend.
"Spike said something about it," Angel murmured back.
"This is for my friends, Buffy and Angel," Jewel said. Several people who
knew Buffy gave them surprised looks—not as surprised as they gave each other though.
"It’s called ‘Losing My Light.’ " Jewel took a deep breath and began to
sing. Angel’s hand tightened around Buffy and then she turned to dance in his arms.
Hell never hurt
As losing him did
As seeing him walk away
This time it was his choice
And that made it worse
This time
It was willingly
Jewel wondered if they liked it; from the look on their faces she guessed they
did. She’d written for them, from what Buffy told her about when Angel left, but
somehow it was for Spike too, for how much she missed him and how much she wanted
him. Except really, it was she that walked away. It was her fault. Her choice.
And now he's gone
For the first time
He's not coming back
My light's gone
My hope
My life
Because I love him
I love him
I'm losing my light
Her voice arced over the crowded Bronze. Slowly the crowd fell silent and started
slowly dancing, or just listening to the sweet honesty and desperation of the song.
I told him I couldn't accept it
What I meant was
I couldn't live without him
He's my light
My hope
The only thing
In my world
That is true
"Will," Oz whispered. She turned to him, startled and smiled. He bent
to kiss her and then threaded his arms around her, as they danced softly to the sound
of their friend’s misery, that was now made into joy.
And now he's gone
For the first time
He's not coming back
My light's gone
My hope
My life
Because I love him
I love him
I'm losing my light
Was it because she loved him? Jewel wondered. Yes, of course it was. If she didn’t
love him so much, she wouldn’t be so afraid to lose him. If she didn’t love him so
much, she never would have run away and she would still have him. There’s ironic
for you.
He holds me here
Only him
When he isn't near
Nothing's real
Show me the light
In my darkness
Without that
I am lost
"She’s right you know," Buffy whispered to Angel. "She sees right
through me. The whole summer I felt like I was in a dream. A nightmare. Nothing’s
real without you Angel."
"You have no idea," he replied, leaning his forehead against hers. "None
at all."
And now he's gone
For the first time
He's not coming back
My light's gone
My hope
My life
Because I love him
I love him
I'm losing my light
Xander didn’t even mind that he was sitting alone at the table. It was kind of
nice actually, because he knew his friends were happy. And for the first time, he
was beginning to understand how Buffy had felt all this time. Maybe all that moping
had a point. He smiled, seeing Buffy and Angel dancing–well, it was more like standing
in one place staring into each other’s eyes, but you could call it dancing.
They were cute. And, much as he hated to admit it, meant for each other. He glance
back up at the stage and at the terrible grief on Jewel’s face. He sighed. He wasn’t
any more fond of Spike than he’d been of Angel–less actually. But she was obviously
miserable without him.
"Come on, Spike," he whispered. "Make the big entrance. Make her happy."
I live in worlds
Other than the real one
Because I know
He's coming
I know he'll find me
Wherever I am
Bring me back
Home
Jewel was barely aware of the silence of the crowd, the rapt attention. She was
glad they liked her new song. She was always kind of nervous the first time. What
if she’d lost her touch? What if they didn’t like it? Less this time though…this
time she had more important things to worry about. Like how she was ever going to
find her way home…find a home, without him there?
And now he's gone
For the first time
He's not coming back
My light's gone
My hope
My life
Because I love him
I love him
I'm losing my light
"We found the light," Buffy whispered. "I
love you Angel."
"I’ll never lose you again," he replied, his voice rough. "I love
you. I…I have something for you." She frowned slightly, wondering it was, and
then knew suddenly. Her eyes filled with tears.
"I didn’t know if you wanted me to have it anymore," she murmured.
"I didn’t know if you wanted to have it." Her eyes told him that she did,
so very very much and he drew it from his pocket and slipped it onto her hand, the
heart facing in, towards her heart, as their hearts were joined forever.
And now he's gone
For the first time
He's not coming back
My light's gone
My hope
My life
Because I love him
I love him
I'm losing my light
Jewel’s voice soared on the last chorus, lifting above the crowd and taking flight.
"Fly to him!" she wanted to whisper, wanted to shout. "Find him! Tell
him how much I love him!" And yet she knew it couldn’t, knew he wouldn’t come.
He was lost to her now. And in sadness, and in grief, she finished the song.
Because I love him
I love him
I'm losing my light
Spike’s head jerked up suddenly, as he thought he heard something. Nothing. He
sighed and shook his head. No more delaying, it was time to face the facts. She wasn’t
coming. He’d known that. And now he had to go, if he wanted to get anywhere before
it was light. With an aching in his heart–not to mention just about every other part
of him–he left the ridge, walked down the hill, away from all hope.
********************
"Okay, something a little more cheerful now," Jewel said with a tiny smile.
"I’m not even gonna try the dance moves though, so don’t ask." She stood
up and lay aside her guitar gently. She glanced off stage and the background music
started up. She took the mike out of the stand and waited. People had begun talking
like normal. Jewel licked her lips carefully and whispered, "This is for William."
"William?" Buffy asked, frowning.
"Spike," Angel told her. Buffy went quiet and nodded, then gave a sad smile
as she realized what song Jewel was going to sing. People began to dance as Jewel
began to sing.
You tell me you're in love with me
That you can't take your pretty eyes away from me
It's not that I don't want to stay
But everytime you come to close I move away
I wanna believe in everything that you say
Because it sounds so good
But if you really want me, move it slow
There's things about me you just have to know
Spike tossed his bag into the car and climbed in, slamming the door. He turned
on the car and a teeny-bopper radio station switched on. Some pop song. He growled
and smashed ineffectually at the radio, not in the mood for some sixteen year old
girl singing about love.
And then he actually heard the song. It was Jewel, singing straight to him.
Sometimes I run
Sometimes I hide
Sometimes I'm scared of you
But all I really want is to hold you tight
Treat you right, be with you day and night
Baby all I need is time
If only he could hear her, Jewel thought. Yearned, really. If only he could know,
would come. But he was probably out of the city by now, off…who knew where he would
go? And she’d never see him again. She could feel it in her gut, in her heart. That
terrible twisting pain like she was tying herself into knots and then using a very
sharp knife to cut them apart.
Jewel wrapped her hands tighter around the microphone and poured her heart into the
song.
I don't wanna be so shy, uh-uh
Everytime that I'm alone I wonder why
Hope that you will wait for me
You see that, you're the only one for me
I wanna believe in everything that you say
Because it sounds so good
But if you really want me, move it slow
There's things about me, you just have to know
It wasn’t really her, he realized that relatively quickly. After all, she wasn’t
that big a star, was she? And what he’d heard of her singing hadn’t sounded like
this. But the words…and somehow, it did sound like her. It sounded like, singing
to him.
Calling him.
Before he could stop himself, Spike pulled out of the driveway, turned the car sharply
and slammed on the gas. He just hoped he wasn’t horribly wrong.
And the song continued to play, her words singing straight to him.
Sometimes I run
Sometimes I hide
Sometimes I'm scared of you
But all I really want is to hold you tight
Treat you right, be with you day and night
All I really want is to hold you tight
Treat you right, be with you day and night
Baby, all I need is time
Just hang around and you'll see
There's nowhere I’d rather be
If you love me, trust in me
The way that I trust in you
It was true, all of it. They knew it, Jewel could see. She met Buffy’s eyes and
saw the empathy there. She kept singing and yet…and yet what did singing do? He couldn’t
hear her. He couldn’t know. And for one second her voice faltered and then…and then
she thought, maybe he could. It was her last hope, and if nothing else, maybe it
would help her. Maybe it would let a little of the pain out.
Maybe.
But she kept singing.
Sometimes I run
Sometimes I hide
Sometimes I'm scared of you
But all I really want is to hold you tight
Treat you right, be with you day and night
Spike slammed the breaks on, opening the door of the car and almost forgetting to
put on the parking break. He paused to put it on before jumping out of the car and
slamming the door. Someone began yelling at him for his parking job but he directed
one frightening glare at him and then sauntered into the Bronze as quickly as he
could without losing the saunter. A bouncer tried to ask him for ID to stamp his
hand but Spike got by with another lethal look. And he stepped inside and then…and
then there she was, on stage, so incredibly beautiful and singing and her voice was
beyond anything he could ever have imagined. Because she sang to him.
Sometimes I run
Sometimes I hide
Sometimes I'm scared of you
But all I really want is to hold you tight
treat you right, be with you day and night
All I really want is to hold you tight
Treat you right, be with you day and night
Baby, all I need is time
The last note faded away and Jewel took a deep breath. Now, the last one. Not
the last song of the night probably, but the last one that she needed to sing. After
that she planned to take requests, hoping it would get her mind off him. As if anything
possibly could. She put the microphone back in the stand and picked her guitar up
again.
"Okay, I know some of you are probably disappointed, ‘cause you heard Jewel
was playing, and now it’s just little ‘ol me," she said with a smile that she
somehow managed to give the crowd. How, she couldn’t have said. She met Xander’s
eyes and he grinned widely. Her smile was almost genuine for a second, and then she
realized she’d never be able to sing this if she kept looking around, so she should
stop. Concentrate. Sing.
"This is for William too," she said softly. "Forgive me."
Sing.
Inside my skin there is a space
It twists and turns
It bleeds and aches
Inside my heart there's an empty room
It's waiting for lightening
It's waiting for you
For I am wanting
And I am needing you here
Inside the absence of fear
It was true too, every word, every syllable. Every part of her yearned for him,
waited for him to come, to find her to fill her. She was empty inside without him.
Once she hadn’t even known to want him, and then she had, and she had been filled
with fear. But know she knew the fear had been temporary. Now there was nothing but
nothing. Nothing but the absence of the fear that had possessed her. Nothing but the
need for him. That was all she was now; an empty room waiting for him to come inside,
to fill her with everything a person should be. To give her her heart back and her
soul.
Muscle and sinew
Velvet and stone
This vessel is haunted
It creaks and moans
My bones call to you
In their separate skin
I make myself translucent
To let you in
For I am wanting
And I am needing you here
Inside the absence of fear
"I need you," Angel whispered to the small, beautiful woman in his
arms. "Whatever happens, that will never change. I was so afraid that one day
you would wake and you wouldn’t want me anymore, but I’m not afraid anymore. I have
you. That’s all I want."
"I was afraid too. I was afraid you’d realize I was this feather headed little
girl and I was afraid that you’d leave me again, every time I thought I had you back.
But you won’t. You won’t ever leave me again," she replied softly, a whisper,
because the music was so achingly beautiful. So hauntingly tragic that they couldn’t
do more than whisper, or risk breaking the spell that Jewel had woven over them all.
"I’ll never leave you," he promise, and neither of them were afraid anymore.
There is this hunger
This restlessness inside of me
And it knows that you're no stranger
You're my gravity
My hands will adore you through all darkness and
They will lay you out in moonlight
And reinvent your name
How he wanted her. He wanted to touch her and to kiss her, but more, he wanted
to know her, to posses her soul. He wanted to be her, to be part of her. She
was his light, his everything and he’d only known her a few days. What about a lifetime?
He wanted a lifetime with her. And what was she telling him? That she wanted the
same, that she needed the same.
That she wasn’t afraid anymore.
Oh God, he loved her so much.
For I am wanting you
Oh I am needing you here
I need you near
Inside the absence of fear
As the last syllable slipped out of her mouth, hung on the air like a jewel,
a perfect gift that he wasn’t there to receive, Jewel closed her eyes, willed the
tears not to come, but they did anyway, dew drops creeping out from below her lashes.
There was absolute silence. And then–the rustle of cloth.
Jewel’s eyes few open, but the tears blurred her vision; she couldn’t see him. He
couldn’t be there. She set aside her guitar and took a few unsteady steps towards
the edge of the stage. The tears came quicker now, but they weren’t fear, they were
hope. And somehow, through the blue, she saw him and ran to him and he caught her
waist, lifting her down and spinning, spinning, kissing away all the tears. Something
burst inside her like fireworks; maybe it was joy.
"You came," she whispered, sobbing and laughing at the same time.
"You aren’t afraid."
"Not if you’re with me," she vowed. "Will you stay?"
"Forever, even if you tell me to go. And if you leave me I’ll run after you,
always, anywhere." The tears were still coursing, but they were joy and love
now.
"I’ll never leave. Never." And then talk was done because he lifted her
up again and kissed her as if the world would end. Jewel’s hands braced on his shoulders,
twined around his neck as he slowly spun her back to the floor again. She was vaguely
aware that all the people in the Bronze were…cheering?
"I love you," he said, his voice whispering all her hopes, all the joy
she had ever known as he pulled away just enough to speak.
"I know," she replied, because she did. "I love you too." She
pulled his mouth back to hers—and this time she was sure. The entire crowd
was cheering and whistling—for them. At that moment, Jewel didn’t care if the world
was watching. He came back. He loved her.
All her fear was gone, replaced by him. Only him.
Slowly the rest of the world began to intrude, insinuating itself into Jewel’s vision.
Her mouth curved upwards and she felt like cheering herself. He came. He came and
he loved her and they would be together always, she knew they would. Her eyes scanned
the crowd as her hands ran up his arms, over his shoulders to find his lips, his
brow. She saw Buffy and Angel, cheeks together, smiling as they watched Jewel and
Spike. Buffy caught her eye and winked and Jewel’s smile broadened before she returned
her entire attention to Spike. Her William. The DJ started some song, she wasn’t
really paying attention. People started dancing and they began to sway together as
Jewel’s thumb ran over his soft, tender lips. He kissed it, then caught her hands
and bent his head to kiss her again, and again, stealing her breath, though he needed
none.
Jewel pulled away to gasp for breath while he watched her with a soft, gorgeous smile.
Something caught her eyes, the flash of a dark eye, but she ignored it, looked back
into his eyes, into the depths of herself. "My William," she whispered
and he shivered and kissed her hand.
"Call me that always. It helps me forget that…"
"What?" Jewel asked in a whisper. He shook his head.
"That I’m…what I am," he replied, his mouth quirking into a bittersweet
smile. She reached up and smoothed it away.
"Whatever you think you are, I love i—" she began, but was interrupted by
a soft drawl from across the room.
"What are you doing Spike?" a childlike voice asked. "Don’t you love
me anymore?" The crowd parted to reveal Drusilla.